Part 2: Ranking teams in the Central division by how likely my dog and I are to beat their mascot in a fight

Thank you for the support and to those who engaged in the discussion on the Atlantic division here.

u/peachboyspeaks has requested the Central division next, so here goes...

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See notes below, with some additions from the last iteration:

1. My dog is an 8-year old Cavalier-poodle mix, weighing approximately 11kg (24lbs). Some of you asked to see what he looks like to better visualise the hypothetical fights. Here is Jackson.
2. Some also asked for my dimensions and fighting skills. I am 180cm (5 foot, 11 inches), weigh 71kg (156lbs) and have virtually no fighting experience. Though I am reasonably athletic and play basketball (so can run from things). For comparison, this is roughly the size of Allen Iverson in his playing days.
3. The rankings start from easiest mascot to beat, ending in the hardest
4. To be clear, by mascot I mean the second part of the team’s name, not the guy in a costume entertaining the crowd.
5. As this is my creative work, I get to choose how to interpret the mascot.

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Cleveland Cavaliers

Cavaliers are typically friendly dogs with an exceptional temperament. As both he and my dog would not hurt a fly, the battle between the two of them would really come down to life expectancy. As cavaliers are prone to heart problems, and being a cross-breed mine is less likely to suffer from such problems, I’m going to assume that Jackson outlives the cavalier. However, we don’t have time for that, so I would simply end this dog in a swift and humane manner, so we can all be home in time for dinner.

Detroit Pistons

Given a piston is a mechanical device, it is very unlikely to inflict any damage on myself or Jackson. The only risk to us is if we accidentally got a finger/paw stuck in the machinery. We have several options of how to defeat the piston. We could play the slow game and both pee on it, until it rusts. Or we could simply dismantle it. Another rather one-sided battle.

Milwaukee Bucks

Okay, this is where things get interesting. My research led me to conclude that the Bucks are named after the white-tailed deer. These animals average about 3 feet in height and weigh between 120-160lbs for males, and 80-120lbs for females. Let’s keep it interesting and assume it is an average 140lbs male. The deer’s advantage lies with its speed, reaching an average top speed of 50km/h (31mph). I think this one comes down to the 2-on-1 numbers advantage. Much like my approach against the raptor in Part 1, I would use Jackson as a distraction, before attacking the deer from the side. A flying kick to one of it’s legs should have Bambi severely crippled. From there it’s ground and pound and we should make light work of this buck.

Indiana Pacers

Now Jackson and I really have our backs against the wall. The name Pacer was chosen because “it was reflective both of the state's rich history with harness racing pacers and the pace car used for the running of the Indianapolis 500”. So basically we are up against a car. It really doesn’t matter what kind of car we are talking about, our chances here are slim to none. The only ways in which we come out of this alive are: a) if we manage to outrun the car until it runs out of petrol, and this would really depend on the terrain on which the battle takes place, or b) the driver makes a mistake and crashes the car. The likeliest scenario, unfortunately, is that we get run over and killed. I would of course throw myself in front of the car and give Jackson every chance of escaping.

Chicago Bulls

Finally, we come up against a bull. This is much like the car scenario, except now there is no human error to rely on. Assuming there is nowhere to hide, we don’t stand a chance here. The Bull will eventually get us and kill us. I can only hope that it’s a quick kill that puts each of us out of our misery.

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SUMMARY

• 3 wins
• 2 losses

This was a tougher matchup than the Atlantic, yet we still come out with a winning record.

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Once again, please nominate the division you would like to appear next. Part 3 will have an interesting twist with the format of the competition, based on another user's suggestion in Part 1. Thank you for taking the time to read this.